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Category: My Catharsis
http://www.nydailynews.com/news/crime/michelle-carter-ordered-stand-trial-boyfriend-suicide-article-1.2696249
When you have a mental health issues and you have the wrong people in your life influencing your decisions, it can literally mean the difference between life and death. Conrad Roy who was 18 years old suffered from depression. He felt lost, wanted to kill himself and discussed it with his girlfriend. Instead of getting him help or urging him to seek help, she urged him to go through with it. Even when he felt doubt about doing it, when he kept putting it off and there was still time to help him, she pushed. Through texts about previous conversations on how to do it, manipulating him “I thought you wanted to do this. The time is right and you’re ready, you just need to do it!” Eventually the wall was broken, he gave in to his depression but not by himself.
He was found in his truck in a K-Mart parking lot dead from asphyxiation from the fumes coming into his truck leading from the exhaust. Even then he reached out to her, called her, told her that he was scared. “Get back in”, was the response. He became a victim of what can only be described as a true life horror story.
From 50 miles away she had enough influence, and control to manipulate Conrad, an 18 year old with depression, to give in to external influences and fight past his own feelings that something was wrong, his own instincts for survival.
We can all become vulnerable for people to take advantage of us in various ways and varying degrees. However, when you have mental health issues it can have deadly consequences, if not they are still lasting, deep, and painful. I have been a victim of something like the above, but I made it out with the help of my friends and family (Personal Support Network).
It was close, I was young, 21 years old and a sucker for the cover of the book and not too much the story that the book contains so to speak. I was a different person caught up in myself and still didn’t understand a lot about the world or life. I met a woman 11 years older than me with 2 kids. She was attractive and interested in getting to know me and I now have named her ‘Succubus”. It was during a time when I made bad decisions and idolized the wrong people. It was the beginning of a long and painful set of lessons for me that would change my life forever.
As I make my way through life I am always meeting people. It’s less now a-days because I tend to be less social and spend more time with my family. When I was a younger man 20 years ago, I was way more social, selfish, and had incredibly low self-esteem. I knew this guy that I worked with when I lived in New York City that I would hang out with. I’d hang with his family too but he was my “work brother”.
He was one of those guys in the office who everybody wanted to be friends with, a mountain of a man, sharp dresser, had some game. It seemed like he was an irresistible force. Out of respect for him now I’m not going to use his name and he’s gotten older and is hopefully a good person but he was as dumb as a bag of rocks. I would constantly correct the words he misused (horrible habit), and yet I was his lapdog, crony.
We would get lunch every Friday at a bar or bodega and grab coke from our dealer who worked in the area at some office job that kept him in no short supply of customers and take our regular as possible bathroom breaks together on the top floor where there was usually nobody to catch us. Then after work we would go to the bar and drink, hang, and go to the bathroom to do some more blow. We drank the same drinks, finished each other’s jokes, backed each other’s lies when talking to women and yet, at the end of the night I’d spend $50 to take a cab to my apartment in queens where I would be myself again. Yes, when I would hang out with him, I would emulate him in every way down to the drink, and every time I went back to my place I was me again, coming down from being high, unable to sleep, still someone I didn’t want to be. There were times he didn’t have my back, he told lies about me, even revealed secrets I told him. I was going in and out a revolving door of the worst relationship of my life and I chose this mook to keep me afloat. There was a time where his main girlfriend, who was older than him, told me “He’s not your friend, you shouldn’t trust him. Why would you even hang out with us, he’s only going to leave you standing there with a stupid look on your face.” I never hung out with them again because I knew the truth. She didn’t like me, but she wasn’t lying.
I realized later after I left the job and its poison people behind, that a lot of it was because of drugs that we did together, and my desire for a more exciting life. For a time in my life where I had “Bad Boy” stories to entertain people with and be exciting to other people. I really didn’t want to be me. I didn’t know who I wanted to be, I didn’t even know who I was. I was a reckless young adult, and I would regularly spin out of control with no supervision. Not with drugs, but with judgment and safety. Don’t get me wrong, I have some crazy stories from this time in my life, but it cost me. Money, Time, a Lack of Life Goals. I was already behind socially, and emotionally because of my even younger self. (See Bullied) So, it seemed like I was making up for lost time in a “Bipolar Coaster”, experiencing too many things at once.
Then there were the times through all that where I would find peace and become centered. These times were a direct result of what I call “Personal Support Network” interaction where I could spend time with the people who knew me best, accepted me, my faults, celebrated my triumphs, and were happy with/for me because I had value to them just by my presence and personality. I was made a good person; my moral compass genuinely points to good and these are the people that instill within me, key parts of the best of me. These are the people I trust, my mentors, my true family. They deserve mention here however, I’ll mention 1 only in part. (I will write about them all when I talk about mentors at some point.) There is one story I will tell because he’s in my mind of late:
One time I was in a dark place, with a dark person in my life. If the mythical *Succubus exists, she was one of them. Long before “Lord Voldemort”, there was “The Evil One” and both “shall not be named”. I haven’t said her name in years, not out of fear, just out of mind. She was 11 years older than me and manipulated me as easily as picking a daisy. I disappeared from my PSN overnight, moved in with her and her 2 horribly raised children, and was mentally abused to the point where I would look to the ground so my eyes wouldn’t make contact with any part of other women. It was a mess, I was an even bigger mess and I had no fight in me to stop her from hurting me. My friend Rob, who hadn’t seen me in a few months received a call from me. He was surprised to hear from me but was very glad. Before he could start to reminisce, I asked him to come across NY from the most southern part of Queens to The Bronx, the most northern of the 5 boroughs of NYC and come get me. He got the address from me and told me he would be out front in 40 minutes. He was there 5 minutes earlier and came to the apartment in the middle of a huge argument between the succubus and I. He didn’t say a word, he threw me over his shoulder even with my protests, and walked out the door, down 4 flights of stairs, and strapped me into the car like I was a child in the middle of a tantrum. That night he knew what I needed even when I didn’t and took action. He was the one I called, the one who would do what I needed, the one who cared enough to risk damaging our relationship out of an express need to get me out of harm. If I could name him by the trait I gained from him, it would be 2 names, “COURAGE” and “EMPATHY”. To this day, 600 miles apart, I talk with him during good and bad times but I will talk to him when I am in trouble, and he will always make time to listen.
The point is that there are those in our lives that we seek out because we THINK they are who we want to be or be with. At the time we can’t see the negative aspect of the relationship with these people where they usually gain more, but don’t appreciate the precious gift you give them. Where others will give more of their precious gift to you because you are worthy of it, not grasping for it and that gift: Time.
Thank you to all those mentioned in this, good and bad. I have learned from the experiences and have become better for knowing you.
*The succubus story is huge and I will write about it, as much as I can remember due to the desire to block the darkness out of my mind, later when I can really find the words.
I was bullied quite regularly throughout my young life. I was just a little different than everyone else. It started with 2nd grade, when we moved to a nicer part of town and I was able to go to the “better” catholic school that was filled with kids that had a year to bond, and they were all Irish. At this point in the story you should know I’m Puerto Rican and Irish, I have an olive complexion that was darker because I spent most of my time outside on the beach since it was down the block from me, I wasn’t like them in appearance, and my family didn’t have a lot of money or socialize with the families that had their kids in that school. (Even though my mother’s family was one of the largest in the neighborhood).
The first day of class the kids found a way to make me cry. Day after day, year after year, I had to deal with something. I didn’t know what a “Spic” was until I was called one by a fellow student in 3rd grade then went home and asked my mother what it meant. She actually couldn’t tell me, so I asked my sister and she clued me in. It was at this time that I learned about “Sticks and Stones”. That was my first experience with racism towards myself but not my last.